You know the Capital One credit card commercial that has the by-line "What's in your wallet?" for some reason I had this flash thought/visual of somebody's hand in your wallet. I know, I know...that's not what they want me to think when they say that line....but, I did.
Right after that I had a visual of the Life Puzzle....and thought "What's in your Life Puzzle?"
And then I had the visual of a multitude of media messages, cultural messages just scrambling all the pieces of your Life!
All this erupted in my brain after watching a CNN clip about a new show on TLC called "Honey we're killing the kids'. The original was on the BBC--this is the new American version. The goal is to help these families with overweight and unhealthy kids learn new and healthier patterns in the course of the 13 weeks of shows.
The CNN clip showed a family of 5 where the mother and two boys are overweight (mother is also diabetic) while the father and one son are below weight. Their eating habits are fast food heaven as part of a "too much to do in a day, no time to cook" lifestyle. And as everyone knows, fast food is generally fat food. Add to this a video game, sedentary TV lifestyle and its a prescription for health disasters!
So, in theory, helping this family change it's eating habits/lifestyle is a good thing. But what greatly concerns me is having these young children exposed on national television--at a time when the 'edges of their Life Puzzle'..and thus their SELF development is in such a crucial formative stage. While these children are not stars like the kids on the Partridge Family or Little House on the Prairie or Full House, etc.--what we do know from 50 years of television is that many of the children who star in these shows have significantly impaired adulthoods. The ability for children, who are in the formative stages of SELF, to negotiate through the world of television stardom has lots of stories of kids who did not transition well into their adulthood.
In a media engrossed world, our Life Puzzles are continually bombarded by outside messages. Adults have a certain measure of ability to keep these messages from shaping their SELF. But children do not--they are in the formative stages and are just now figuring out who they are. As
I watched these children on Honey, we're killing the kids, and all I could think was that they are so young they have no idea how their vision of SELF is being shaped.
I can guarantee you that most of the adults creating this show--from the nutritionists, health professionals and even the cameraman have very little awareness of the 'edge development' of children! So while they have good intentions on a physical level with the goal of helping these children, are they harming these children on a much deeper level? So, it's not only "Honey, we're killing the kids" on a physical level--we're going to add another dimension--"Honey, we're screwing up their minds" on a mental-emotional level?! What show should we create next to fix this?
Children are dependent on adults providing them environments where they can develop healthy physical, emotional, thinking, sexual and spiritual edges which leads to a strong SELF able to walk into adulthood. Is this show a healthy environment for these children to develop their edges? My concern for these overweight children is that their edge formation is being heavily influenced while being exposed on national television. They will "see" themselves on these shows and those images will have a powerful impact on their view of SELF. Will their parents or other adults help them nurture strong edges as a result or will the "shaping" of their SELF through this experience be something they have to figure out by themselves? In a world where many adults do not understand child development and the stages of emotional/cognitive growth, I fear that many of these children will have to negotiate this by themselves and it will be difficult.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Hating our bodies--national epidemic
A friend sent me an email yesterday about a survey done in Great Britain. He saw it in the Times of London. It focused on women and their bodies--well, actually the hatred of their bodies. It was a bleak assessment--essentially more than half of all women hated their bodies! He asked me, "Do you think this is true on this side of the pond as well?"
My answer would be yes women in the United States hate their bodies. And here's why I think that is; because long before they have even a semblance of a whole SELF, media messages have so informed them of the picture of what their body should look like--a look that less than 1-2% of the population could ever achieve that it sets them up on a lifelong quest they can never satisfy. This media message plants a seed in girls as young as 5 and 6--at a time when they have no idea what's happening.
The media is a powerful influence. Starting around age 6, who/what will young girls be learning is the IT look? Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan etc. Remember the Edges of one's Life Puzzle? The physical edge is being formed--and this media message is coming through a child's edge and embedding itself in her SELF. Be thin, be thin, be thin...to be good. A child this young has not yet had time to develop emotional/thinking edges and thus her SELF has not developed enough for her to realize that these pictures represent a big lie. These pictures have been altered and all blemishes and normal issues--like cellulite etc. are removed through a computer!
Thus, the SELF is being shaped by outside influences that a child this young has no way of rejecting. The seeds of hating one's body have been planted but they won't grow until puberty hits and their body begins major changes.
By the time puberty hits most girls will begin the unattainable quest. Little by little, over and over again they'll attempt to achieve a body based on the media/cultural messages. Never realizing that the reason they never succeed isn't because they're bad, ugly, have no will power, etc. but because it simply isn't attainable at all. The dieting cycle--a multi-billion dollar business--gets started and will continue for another 30-40 years! The Times of London article clearly shows adult women acting out this scenario.
Getting 'thin enough' will not (does not!) help us love our bodies! Study after study shows that most people lose their weight--but then put it all back on. If being 'thin enough' was all we needed to stop hating our bodies--then millions of women would be loving their bodies--because 90% of dieters succeed at weight loss. But loving your body isn't a result of losing weight. Loving your body is a result of having healthy edges--physical, emotional, thinking, sexual and spiritual which results in a SELF that is consciously creating her life.
Going on another diet won't do the trick. Building your Life Puzzle...starting with the Edges of SELF will pull you out of hating your body and loving your Life! Then worrying or thinking about your body becomes a minor piece in the whole you are creating! A piece at a time with the whole YOU in mind!
My answer would be yes women in the United States hate their bodies. And here's why I think that is; because long before they have even a semblance of a whole SELF, media messages have so informed them of the picture of what their body should look like--a look that less than 1-2% of the population could ever achieve that it sets them up on a lifelong quest they can never satisfy. This media message plants a seed in girls as young as 5 and 6--at a time when they have no idea what's happening.
The media is a powerful influence. Starting around age 6, who/what will young girls be learning is the IT look? Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan etc. Remember the Edges of one's Life Puzzle? The physical edge is being formed--and this media message is coming through a child's edge and embedding itself in her SELF. Be thin, be thin, be thin...to be good. A child this young has not yet had time to develop emotional/thinking edges and thus her SELF has not developed enough for her to realize that these pictures represent a big lie. These pictures have been altered and all blemishes and normal issues--like cellulite etc. are removed through a computer!
Thus, the SELF is being shaped by outside influences that a child this young has no way of rejecting. The seeds of hating one's body have been planted but they won't grow until puberty hits and their body begins major changes.
By the time puberty hits most girls will begin the unattainable quest. Little by little, over and over again they'll attempt to achieve a body based on the media/cultural messages. Never realizing that the reason they never succeed isn't because they're bad, ugly, have no will power, etc. but because it simply isn't attainable at all. The dieting cycle--a multi-billion dollar business--gets started and will continue for another 30-40 years! The Times of London article clearly shows adult women acting out this scenario.
Getting 'thin enough' will not (does not!) help us love our bodies! Study after study shows that most people lose their weight--but then put it all back on. If being 'thin enough' was all we needed to stop hating our bodies--then millions of women would be loving their bodies--because 90% of dieters succeed at weight loss. But loving your body isn't a result of losing weight. Loving your body is a result of having healthy edges--physical, emotional, thinking, sexual and spiritual which results in a SELF that is consciously creating her life.
Going on another diet won't do the trick. Building your Life Puzzle...starting with the Edges of SELF will pull you out of hating your body and loving your Life! Then worrying or thinking about your body becomes a minor piece in the whole you are creating! A piece at a time with the whole YOU in mind!
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Nutrition confusion! What's a person to do?
Nutrition is a very important piece of your Life Puzzle. Yet few of us really know and understand healthy nutrition that we can depend on for a lifetime. What we get is a never ending series of diets to try amid a regular stream of news stories telling us what's good, what isn't. Is it any wonder most of us have nutrition whiplash! One minute you're going forward, next minute going backward and the end point is a big pain in the neck!
With all the conflict in the media of what's good, what isn't, I hear over and over again from folks that they've given up! Just as soon as they try one thing the media undermines its value. Who or what can you trust?
I suggest the KISSSS diet...keep it simple, keep it small, keep it sane, keep it slow. Here's how to do it.
1. When choosing foods....keep it simple. The less processed, the more better :)
In a grocery story, stick to the outside aisles where the produce section, fish/poultry/meat departments are. Avoid the middle aisles as much as possible. Wonder if it's 'processed?' If it has white flour or white sugar in it...it's processed. Keep this type of food to a minimum!
2. When eating....keep it small.
If you've ever seen the movie Supersize Me, you'll realize that in the last 40 years the 'normal' for portion size has quadrupled! We eat too much, period. So, keep it small. Make smaller meals at home, eat only half of any meal when you go out, take home the rest for a second meal--everytime!
3. When designing your lifestyle diet...keep it sane.
You don't 'go on a diet', you live it. Thus, design one that you can live with and enjoy. If you're employing #1 and#2, you're halfway home. A general guideline of fresh fruits and vegetables, a little fish, limited beef/pork, whole grains (instead of processed!), lots of water and a good multivitamin/mineral support can work for a lifetime!
4. When at the dining table...keep it slow.
Two things happen when you slow down. One, you get to enjoy the process of actually eating your food for a longer amount of time. Two, it gives your stomach time to tell your brain, we're full! Since this takes 20 minutes to happen, if you eat so fast (average meal time...6 minutes!), you can end up eating way more food than you need or want before your mind tells you to stop!
So, KISSSS...keep it simple, small, sane, slow and you'll live a diet lifestyle that will build a healthy, whole, dynamic Life Puzzle!
With all the conflict in the media of what's good, what isn't, I hear over and over again from folks that they've given up! Just as soon as they try one thing the media undermines its value. Who or what can you trust?
I suggest the KISSSS diet...keep it simple, keep it small, keep it sane, keep it slow. Here's how to do it.
1. When choosing foods....keep it simple. The less processed, the more better :)
In a grocery story, stick to the outside aisles where the produce section, fish/poultry/meat departments are. Avoid the middle aisles as much as possible. Wonder if it's 'processed?' If it has white flour or white sugar in it...it's processed. Keep this type of food to a minimum!
2. When eating....keep it small.
If you've ever seen the movie Supersize Me, you'll realize that in the last 40 years the 'normal' for portion size has quadrupled! We eat too much, period. So, keep it small. Make smaller meals at home, eat only half of any meal when you go out, take home the rest for a second meal--everytime!
3. When designing your lifestyle diet...keep it sane.
You don't 'go on a diet', you live it. Thus, design one that you can live with and enjoy. If you're employing #1 and#2, you're halfway home. A general guideline of fresh fruits and vegetables, a little fish, limited beef/pork, whole grains (instead of processed!), lots of water and a good multivitamin/mineral support can work for a lifetime!
4. When at the dining table...keep it slow.
Two things happen when you slow down. One, you get to enjoy the process of actually eating your food for a longer amount of time. Two, it gives your stomach time to tell your brain, we're full! Since this takes 20 minutes to happen, if you eat so fast (average meal time...6 minutes!), you can end up eating way more food than you need or want before your mind tells you to stop!
So, KISSSS...keep it simple, small, sane, slow and you'll live a diet lifestyle that will build a healthy, whole, dynamic Life Puzzle!
But you knew when you married me that I was like.....
Boy, if I had a nickel for everytime I've heard in a marriage counseling session "But you knew when you married me that I was like such and such", well, let's just say, I'd be reitred and sipping pina coladas on some island!
What is it about getting married that leads so many of us to act as if we've just signed up to be in prison forever with another person? And from that viewpoint, we begin to lock our SELF into a "but this is the way I am and you can't change me" game with our partners?
I was doing a recent session with a great couple, newly married when the but you knew when you married me line dropped like a bomb in the middle of the room. He was insisting that she couldn't change him, this was the way he was. Heels were digging in, both parties going to their corners!
However, in our before session small talk, he had shared with me how a major stressor at work that he'd been dealing with for 15 months had resulted in his changing dramatically the way he dealt with this group of people. In the initial phase he'd been a wreck, turning himself upside down and inside out. This was his typical pattern over the course of his life when confronted with big challenges. But because this issue had stretched on for so long, he'd had the opportunity to change the way he talked to himself about the issues (more proactive, calm) and also how he communicated with this group. At the end of 15 months, he was a very different business person in how he now approached work challenges--and he was much happier. They hadn't forced him to change--he had grown to the realization that if he continued to deal with stress and challenges in his traditional "this is the way I am", he would end up either killing himself or killing his business.
So I said to him, "If you can change your SELF in the work area of your Life Puzzle and see that it favorably impacts the life you're creating, then wouldn't it make sense that you could change you SELF in your relationship/partnership piece too and end up with a more favorable life?" He mulled this over a bit--heels trying to decide if they should relax or dig in harder. And then he started to laugh....
The real bottom line on all this is the reality that your SELF is ALWAYS changing! When you're 35 you don't see the world the way you did as a 10 year old. So why, when you marry, do you assume your SELF is a finished work and your partner either likes you the way you were when you got married or they can just get out (another nickel for every time I've heard it line)!
So, it's time to ask your SELF--is my marriage a changing work of art or a prison relationship of two non-changing people? I guarantee you, just as the man above discovered his business life was so much more enjoyable when he allowed himself to grow and change--you'll find your marriage a lot more fun if you accept growth and change as the normal flow too!
What is it about getting married that leads so many of us to act as if we've just signed up to be in prison forever with another person? And from that viewpoint, we begin to lock our SELF into a "but this is the way I am and you can't change me" game with our partners?
I was doing a recent session with a great couple, newly married when the but you knew when you married me line dropped like a bomb in the middle of the room. He was insisting that she couldn't change him, this was the way he was. Heels were digging in, both parties going to their corners!
However, in our before session small talk, he had shared with me how a major stressor at work that he'd been dealing with for 15 months had resulted in his changing dramatically the way he dealt with this group of people. In the initial phase he'd been a wreck, turning himself upside down and inside out. This was his typical pattern over the course of his life when confronted with big challenges. But because this issue had stretched on for so long, he'd had the opportunity to change the way he talked to himself about the issues (more proactive, calm) and also how he communicated with this group. At the end of 15 months, he was a very different business person in how he now approached work challenges--and he was much happier. They hadn't forced him to change--he had grown to the realization that if he continued to deal with stress and challenges in his traditional "this is the way I am", he would end up either killing himself or killing his business.
So I said to him, "If you can change your SELF in the work area of your Life Puzzle and see that it favorably impacts the life you're creating, then wouldn't it make sense that you could change you SELF in your relationship/partnership piece too and end up with a more favorable life?" He mulled this over a bit--heels trying to decide if they should relax or dig in harder. And then he started to laugh....
The real bottom line on all this is the reality that your SELF is ALWAYS changing! When you're 35 you don't see the world the way you did as a 10 year old. So why, when you marry, do you assume your SELF is a finished work and your partner either likes you the way you were when you got married or they can just get out (another nickel for every time I've heard it line)!
So, it's time to ask your SELF--is my marriage a changing work of art or a prison relationship of two non-changing people? I guarantee you, just as the man above discovered his business life was so much more enjoyable when he allowed himself to grow and change--you'll find your marriage a lot more fun if you accept growth and change as the normal flow too!
Monday, March 06, 2006
Katrina and passivity--it is time to get active!
As we all know the debacle of Hurricane Katrina and her aftermath has left New Orleans devastated and many of us sitting by wondering--how did our systems get so ineffectual?
Recent reports as to what went wrong at all levels--federal, state and local governments have been posted and what stood out to me was a headline that said "Katrina Failure: Too little Initiative and too much Passivity".
The word 'passivity' hit me like a bullet. The Choosing Continuum talks about the 0-5 and the 6-10 side of how people deal with problems. On the 0-5 side, people respond to problems with a reactive, passive, unconscious, victim pattern. On the 6-10 side people respond to problems with a proactive, self-responsible, conscious, empowered pattern. What the report on Katrina showed is that most of the people dealing with Katrina at one level or another were 0-5 reactive and passive!
For the 10 years I've been teaching Life Puzzle, I've been well aware and audiences have consistently confirmed that most people respond to life in a 0-5 pattern. And I've shared that most of us do this because we're raised in a culture of systems that are also 0-5. For example, our medical system is a wait til it's broke then fix it, as are our schools, businesses etc. Audiences shake their heads in concurrence and I then ask, "Do reactive system create reactive people or do reactive people create reactive systems?" As the audience mulls this over for a minute or two, it become obvious that they create each other. It is a chicken and egg question because reactive people create reactive systems and then reactive systems reward people for staying reactive--and passive which just maintains the system!
But until Katrina I don't think any of us realized how extreme (and deadly!) this had become in our United States. I sit here in shock as I write this and just want to stand on a soap box and scream "This has got to stop!". But really it isn't about stopping 0-5--what I want to say is it time for all of us to start moving towards the 6-10. There isn't any more time to waste! And you can't wait for 'systems' to start rewarding you for this--you just have to do it!
I know this is difficult in the first step. We are so used to "doing what everyone else is doing" but as we've seen with Katrina, this is a recipe for disaster--personal, family, and community! Having the courage to say "time to do something different" isn't that hard when put in that context. You need only start with your own life--look at a few of your Life Puzzle pieces--nutrition, exercise, financial responsibility, work and get active, self-responsible. Be different and lead others!
Recent reports as to what went wrong at all levels--federal, state and local governments have been posted and what stood out to me was a headline that said "Katrina Failure: Too little Initiative and too much Passivity".
The word 'passivity' hit me like a bullet. The Choosing Continuum talks about the 0-5 and the 6-10 side of how people deal with problems. On the 0-5 side, people respond to problems with a reactive, passive, unconscious, victim pattern. On the 6-10 side people respond to problems with a proactive, self-responsible, conscious, empowered pattern. What the report on Katrina showed is that most of the people dealing with Katrina at one level or another were 0-5 reactive and passive!
For the 10 years I've been teaching Life Puzzle, I've been well aware and audiences have consistently confirmed that most people respond to life in a 0-5 pattern. And I've shared that most of us do this because we're raised in a culture of systems that are also 0-5. For example, our medical system is a wait til it's broke then fix it, as are our schools, businesses etc. Audiences shake their heads in concurrence and I then ask, "Do reactive system create reactive people or do reactive people create reactive systems?" As the audience mulls this over for a minute or two, it become obvious that they create each other. It is a chicken and egg question because reactive people create reactive systems and then reactive systems reward people for staying reactive--and passive which just maintains the system!
But until Katrina I don't think any of us realized how extreme (and deadly!) this had become in our United States. I sit here in shock as I write this and just want to stand on a soap box and scream "This has got to stop!". But really it isn't about stopping 0-5--what I want to say is it time for all of us to start moving towards the 6-10. There isn't any more time to waste! And you can't wait for 'systems' to start rewarding you for this--you just have to do it!
I know this is difficult in the first step. We are so used to "doing what everyone else is doing" but as we've seen with Katrina, this is a recipe for disaster--personal, family, and community! Having the courage to say "time to do something different" isn't that hard when put in that context. You need only start with your own life--look at a few of your Life Puzzle pieces--nutrition, exercise, financial responsibility, work and get active, self-responsible. Be different and lead others!
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