While dusting on a Saturday, I turned on CNN hoping to find something interesting to watch. Lo and behold, Christiane Amanpour's piece "In the Footsteps of Bin Laden". I found it so interesting that I put down the dust rag and watched.
She was interviewing a whole host of people who knew Osama Bin Laden, grew up with him, worked with him or perhaps were related to him. In the process she peeled away the layers of a terrorist and showed the human that had grown up in Saudi Arabia as a child of one of the wealthiest families in the world. She helps us travel through his childhood, on to college and eventually, by 21 into the desert to live the life of a religious ascetic who, influenced by extreme fundamentalists eventually became one of them and then, the leader of them.
Because of my background in early childhood development and counseling, I'm always interested in how early childhood influences manifest themselves in our adulthood. I know childhood plays a huge roll in the choices that one makes as an adult--yet most adults are not aware of and rarely connect how a specific childhood experience results in a future adult choice. Much of the design of the Life Puzzle has been to help clients see this connection so they can reassess choices from a 'whole adult' instead of 'yet formed child'. (And please let me be clear--we are not 'victims' to our childhoods--we can not use our childhoods to excuse our adult behaviors--only to explain them.)
As I watched Osama Bin Laden's childhood journey, it became obvious that his 'edges' and thus SELF development were highly influenced by many outside sources. He, like many of us in childhood, was deeply unsure of his SELF. In the quest to remove this anxiety, he allowed outside 'systems' to fill his SELF. He's not unusual in this--but unfortunately, the outside systems that poured through his still to be formed edges/SELF were overpowering and essentially usurped a healthy loving SELF. Today, his SELF promotes death and destruction as he serves an outside system (fundamentalism/terrorism) to which his SELF is now beholden.
At one point, his family approaches him and requests that he return home and abandon the fundamentalist/terrorist path. But it was too late, he'd handed his SELF over to the religion. Like the child who had joined a cult, he could no longer hear his family's love and support. He rejected them outright--because to walk away from fundamentalism/terrorism would feel like walking away from his "true self"--though in truth, he'd abandoned his full SELF formation long ago.
When we hand over our SELF to any institution--religion, marriage, work/money--on the assumption that in doing so our SELF will be fulfilled, we instead end up with the exact opposite. It provides a quick fix, but prevents us from truly tapping into our inner SELF which takes much longer to achieve--fully into our 30's and 40's. . Sadly, Bin Laden had handed his life over by 21--and has remained stuck ever since.
I thought, while Osama Bin Laden's case might be the extreme, the reality is, this happens to many of us in our late teens/early twenties. I recall talking with a gentleman who shared what a close call he'd had that might've ended with him joining the Chicago Mob! He was 18 and as we all do at that age, he needed money. He had a friend whose father was in the Mob--and his friend was willing to introduce him/help him get a job. While that entry level job would have paid well and been rather benign, in truth, it would have set him on a path that would take him deeper and deeper into the Mob. It would've been a no way out path in a very short amount of time. As he said, "I was insecure, under a lot of pressure and I'm looking at guys driving fancy cars, wearing great clothes and flashing big bankrolls of c-notes!" "Falling into step with these guys looked like a successful route--only then my friend pulled out a gun and it jolted me back to a reality that the solution for my insecurity offered not only cars, clothes and money--but also death." I thanked my friend and walked away--but what if I hadn't?"
I think today of Osama Bin Laden--what if he had returned to his family? What if he had been able to see that he was using religion to fill his insecurity of SELF. What if he'd been able to see the massive levels of destruction these choices would make?
Most amazing to me is how often people with poorly formed edges/SELF end up in positions of power. Their false SELF acts as if it is powerful, yet if you look under the false SELF, what you find is insecurity and fear of true self. By this I mean, when you have a whole SELF, you respect your body and other people's bodies (thus murder/death is only in self-defense), you are aware of and in charge of your emotions, you make conscious choice and accept the consequences--while respecting that others can make choices that you do not agree yet you do not insist they choose as you do, and you honor that you are greater than no one--but no one is greater than you--and you are focused in seeing love in all. Clearly, Osama Bin Laden's edges are missing--but Christiane Amanpour's documentary gives us a glimpse as to how this happened. Again, this documentary is not an 'excuse' for his behavior, just an explanation.
I wish all teens had the opportunity to see the Life Puzzle as a framework for a healthy SELF. It might prevent situations whereby insecure teens turn into rigidly controlled/fear based adults who harm the world.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Friday, September 01, 2006
Mary J. Blige, "The Breakthrough"
Last night while I was finally reading the newspaper--there was a story on Mary J. Blige's album The Breakthrough".....and she was talking about her self...and how, despite being extremely successful, in truth, she barely knew her SELF. As I read the article I thought, in Life Puzzle language--none of her edges were complete!
Reading this article made me think of several of my clients and prompted me to write several of them a note. Because I spend a lot of time helping folks build strong edges and discover a SELF that they truly love. Many people think this is a selfish thing--but in truth, it is a loving thing. Every human should know who they are and love themselves when they look in the mirror.
I ask them to do the 'mirror exercise' whereby each day, at least once, they take a moment to look in the mirror and truly look at themselves and say, "I like me, I love me, I care for me". This might seem like a simple thing--but it is actually hard for many people! This article on Mary J Blige prompted me to send a portion of what she said....hoping that by seeing her struggle to do this, they too would realize the value in this and also know--everyone on this planet is a Life Puzzle under construction and despite success--has to figure out how to put a healthy, whole SELF together! We aren't born knowing how to do this.
The article said that essentially up until about age 30 (!)...Mary J. Blige acknowledged she didn't have a real SELF, but was a missing self that let everyone and anyone shape her Life (puzzle). Now, when she looks back on who she was, she says, ""Once you get a reality check of 'Oh, my God, who am I? I have a arm over here and my leg over here--I'm all spread out. I can't even collect myself at the end of the day and say...."I love myself and I like myself.' ......"'That's when you know you've been living for the world for a long time. You've got to really be ready to see it, because when you see it, it's not nice...."
The article went on.... Blige 'saw it' about 6 years ago. She then made a series of life changes. First, she learned to like the person she saw in the mirror every day'.... She says, "I wouldn't call it religion, I would call it a spiritual breakthrough because the spirit (love) is in me. I just got tired of feeling the way I did about myself: Looking in the mirror and the only time I'm happy with myself is when my hair and make up is done. What about when my hair and make up is not done? I need that kind of confidence--I wanted to like myself even when men are not saying I look good. I want to feel good about it. I don't want to cater to people's opinions..."
Learning to love and like the person you see in the mirror every day.....a task for all of us! This is why I stress that clients continue doing that mirror exercise---that self-loving person, ..the one that is confident/loving no matter what others are doing is waiting to 'breakthrough' :)
And as I ended the notes to my clients I said, "Heck, I know you think its corny, but if a woman who has won 3 Grammys, released seven albums and sold millions has to do this...I think you'll see it might be worth it!
Reading this article made me think of several of my clients and prompted me to write several of them a note. Because I spend a lot of time helping folks build strong edges and discover a SELF that they truly love. Many people think this is a selfish thing--but in truth, it is a loving thing. Every human should know who they are and love themselves when they look in the mirror.
I ask them to do the 'mirror exercise' whereby each day, at least once, they take a moment to look in the mirror and truly look at themselves and say, "I like me, I love me, I care for me". This might seem like a simple thing--but it is actually hard for many people! This article on Mary J Blige prompted me to send a portion of what she said....hoping that by seeing her struggle to do this, they too would realize the value in this and also know--everyone on this planet is a Life Puzzle under construction and despite success--has to figure out how to put a healthy, whole SELF together! We aren't born knowing how to do this.
The article said that essentially up until about age 30 (!)...Mary J. Blige acknowledged she didn't have a real SELF, but was a missing self that let everyone and anyone shape her Life (puzzle). Now, when she looks back on who she was, she says, ""Once you get a reality check of 'Oh, my God, who am I? I have a arm over here and my leg over here--I'm all spread out. I can't even collect myself at the end of the day and say...."I love myself and I like myself.' ......"'That's when you know you've been living for the world for a long time. You've got to really be ready to see it, because when you see it, it's not nice...."
The article went on.... Blige 'saw it' about 6 years ago. She then made a series of life changes. First, she learned to like the person she saw in the mirror every day'.... She says, "I wouldn't call it religion, I would call it a spiritual breakthrough because the spirit (love) is in me. I just got tired of feeling the way I did about myself: Looking in the mirror and the only time I'm happy with myself is when my hair and make up is done. What about when my hair and make up is not done? I need that kind of confidence--I wanted to like myself even when men are not saying I look good. I want to feel good about it. I don't want to cater to people's opinions..."
Learning to love and like the person you see in the mirror every day.....a task for all of us! This is why I stress that clients continue doing that mirror exercise---that self-loving person, ..the one that is confident/loving no matter what others are doing is waiting to 'breakthrough' :)
And as I ended the notes to my clients I said, "Heck, I know you think its corny, but if a woman who has won 3 Grammys, released seven albums and sold millions has to do this...I think you'll see it might be worth it!
Monday, August 14, 2006
Children--collateral damage for making money?
The following is a letter to the editor I wrote:
As I opened the September issue of Oprah, the tri-fold ad by Ralph Lauren/Polo.com brought a shock! It caught my eye because one of the children looks like my friend's 3 year old daughter. All I could think was how these young girls--maybe aged 3-8 have been dressed up to look like women. The message appears to imply that young girls/women are interchangeable--I thought of my friend's innocent young daughter and feared how men/boys are being taught to view young girls as "women" and thus, sexual objects. (and checking the polo.com site--these clothes were not for sale on the children's pages)
Later in the magazine, I came across Liz Claiborne's tri-fold ads. In comparison, these were quite tasteful for a woman's magazine--vibrant women dressed professionally. As you compare the two ads, you can see how the Polo.com ad is trying to achieve a similar 'adult look' that the Liz Claiborne ad achieved using actual women!
At a time when our children are constantly being threatened, isn't it time that we adults took responsibility and stop using our children as objects to be manipulated and exploited? While making money and selling products is an ever-pressured reality, are we will to accept selling our children as collateral damage to this pressure?
Oprah works hard on her show to address these issues--thus to have her magazine lend a blind eye to the ads that add to the problem of our children being exploited seems counter-intuitive. As the Liz Claiborne ads clearly show, you can produce beautiful ads that market a product effectively and not exploit our children at all. I would encourage the adults at Ralph Lauren and their advertising agency to sit and ask themselves 1) if they would want their 3 year old daughter exploited as a sex object 2) if they can be incredibly creative without exploiting children and 3)take responsibility for their actions and choose to make changes in the future ads they create.
As I opened the September issue of Oprah, the tri-fold ad by Ralph Lauren/Polo.com brought a shock! It caught my eye because one of the children looks like my friend's 3 year old daughter. All I could think was how these young girls--maybe aged 3-8 have been dressed up to look like women. The message appears to imply that young girls/women are interchangeable--I thought of my friend's innocent young daughter and feared how men/boys are being taught to view young girls as "women" and thus, sexual objects. (and checking the polo.com site--these clothes were not for sale on the children's pages)
Later in the magazine, I came across Liz Claiborne's tri-fold ads. In comparison, these were quite tasteful for a woman's magazine--vibrant women dressed professionally. As you compare the two ads, you can see how the Polo.com ad is trying to achieve a similar 'adult look' that the Liz Claiborne ad achieved using actual women!
At a time when our children are constantly being threatened, isn't it time that we adults took responsibility and stop using our children as objects to be manipulated and exploited? While making money and selling products is an ever-pressured reality, are we will to accept selling our children as collateral damage to this pressure?
Oprah works hard on her show to address these issues--thus to have her magazine lend a blind eye to the ads that add to the problem of our children being exploited seems counter-intuitive. As the Liz Claiborne ads clearly show, you can produce beautiful ads that market a product effectively and not exploit our children at all. I would encourage the adults at Ralph Lauren and their advertising agency to sit and ask themselves 1) if they would want their 3 year old daughter exploited as a sex object 2) if they can be incredibly creative without exploiting children and 3)take responsibility for their actions and choose to make changes in the future ads they create.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
30 hours making a living, 30 hours making a difference
The local paper did a profile of a man who lives in Portland, OR. He's an activist working on transporation issues. In the article, he was quoted as saying "I work 30 hours making a living and 30 hours making a difference."
I just loved that line and wondered what would happen if everyone ran their life from that mantra. I especially thought of this for our children. What would it be like if we grow up constantly hearing "30 hours making a living and 30 hours making a difference?"
It would plant such a different seed of what our culture values from where it currently stands. Today we are so focused on making money, working 60 hours a week so we can buy more stuff. And most of that is because of what we saw/learned as children coming up through the 70's, 80's and 90's--obsessed with making money and buying stuff.
So, roll that one around in your brain today--what would your life be like on a daily basis if you were "Working 30 hours making a living and 30 hours making a difference"?
I just loved that line and wondered what would happen if everyone ran their life from that mantra. I especially thought of this for our children. What would it be like if we grow up constantly hearing "30 hours making a living and 30 hours making a difference?"
It would plant such a different seed of what our culture values from where it currently stands. Today we are so focused on making money, working 60 hours a week so we can buy more stuff. And most of that is because of what we saw/learned as children coming up through the 70's, 80's and 90's--obsessed with making money and buying stuff.
So, roll that one around in your brain today--what would your life be like on a daily basis if you were "Working 30 hours making a living and 30 hours making a difference"?
Monday, August 07, 2006
Addictions: focus not on 'giving up' but on adding!
With the reality of high oil prices (and today's announcement that a portion of the Alaska pipeline oil flow is going to be disrupted is likely to increase them ever more), life as we know it is going to change. We are, as President Bush said, "addicted to oil" and it shows up in so many levels of life. Oil is everywhere and in everything!
To say, "life as we know it is going to change" sends a shiver down our back because like any addict, living without the addictive behavior seems, initially at least, as something that's going to be awful. But it is possible, as many addicts discover, that after the addiction, life is actually better! And so, a post-oil addiction life could be wonderful as we discover new ways of living.
When I work with folks with addiction issues, my focus is never on 'giving up the old behavior' as much as it is to focus on 'adding new behaviors'. With our attention focused on what new things we're doing, we don't have as much time to be involved with the old behaviors.
I recall when I was giving up my junk food addiction. Initially, I truly had a panic as I could not imagine how I was going to eat without driving through the drive-thru twice a day! But I dove into learning about good nutrition, trying new foods (and yes, some of them were just awful! Brown rice, like yuck!) and committing to increasing fresh foods on a daily basis. I was so busy doing this that little by little, running through the fast food drive-thru wasn't necessary. No, I didn't go cold turkey, but within the course of a year, I'd added so many new foods, new menus and new learning that it no longer was an issue of giving up the fast food drive-thru, but simply my focus was on a way of life where I added the healthy, whole and vibrant foods my body really wanted.
Now, oil addiction and the massive consumption that's connected to it has led to a lifestyle that is fast-paced, filled with stuff, stuff and more stuff. Big cars, big houses, closets over-flowing and work schedules of 60+ hours a week to support all the stuff our addiction has convinced we need in order to live. Our lifestyles are high stress, we're creating lifestyle illnesses like diabetes, obesity, heart disease which are costing a fortune in healthcare and most important of all is that we've lost connection to our community because we have no time to know our neighbors, protect the environment and live in peace. Ah, the good life is killing us (as would my junk food diet have done if I'd kept eating that over the last 30 years!).
As we contemplate a post oil-addiction lifestyle what shall we add? Instead of driving, working and shopping as the major time consumer that we call 'life', let's add more exercise, more volunteering, more gardening, more community-building, more time with our children, more reading, more discussion groups, more learning how to play a music instrument (which you'll have time to practice!). more walking, more knowing our neighbors, more cooking at home and eating slowly, more eating locally, more time for daily yoga practice, more healthy bodies, more meditation, more singing, more.....life.
This won't happen cold turkey (hopefully it won't come to that!), but little by little, as you spend time adding those behaviors noted above, you'll discover that the old monied/consumption lifestyle has transformed into something else that you like even more. Yes, when I started the transition from junk food--I thought brown rice was yuck! I couldn't imagine how I was going to get over that--but I found if I did a 50/50 split between the old white rice and the new brown rice, it helped me adjust. And sure enough, now I love brown rice as I've adjusted to the firmer chewing and deeper taste that white rice didn't provide.
As you start adding these new behaviors, you will find some things you don't enjoy initially--just stick with it. Give it the time to learn, try new activities and do them consistently over the next six months and I will bet you'll discover a new joy and love in how you live your life that you can't yet imagine. Life without massive consumption is not a boring life--in fact, many people decide it is much more exciting and joyful.
To say, "life as we know it is going to change" sends a shiver down our back because like any addict, living without the addictive behavior seems, initially at least, as something that's going to be awful. But it is possible, as many addicts discover, that after the addiction, life is actually better! And so, a post-oil addiction life could be wonderful as we discover new ways of living.
When I work with folks with addiction issues, my focus is never on 'giving up the old behavior' as much as it is to focus on 'adding new behaviors'. With our attention focused on what new things we're doing, we don't have as much time to be involved with the old behaviors.
I recall when I was giving up my junk food addiction. Initially, I truly had a panic as I could not imagine how I was going to eat without driving through the drive-thru twice a day! But I dove into learning about good nutrition, trying new foods (and yes, some of them were just awful! Brown rice, like yuck!) and committing to increasing fresh foods on a daily basis. I was so busy doing this that little by little, running through the fast food drive-thru wasn't necessary. No, I didn't go cold turkey, but within the course of a year, I'd added so many new foods, new menus and new learning that it no longer was an issue of giving up the fast food drive-thru, but simply my focus was on a way of life where I added the healthy, whole and vibrant foods my body really wanted.
Now, oil addiction and the massive consumption that's connected to it has led to a lifestyle that is fast-paced, filled with stuff, stuff and more stuff. Big cars, big houses, closets over-flowing and work schedules of 60+ hours a week to support all the stuff our addiction has convinced we need in order to live. Our lifestyles are high stress, we're creating lifestyle illnesses like diabetes, obesity, heart disease which are costing a fortune in healthcare and most important of all is that we've lost connection to our community because we have no time to know our neighbors, protect the environment and live in peace. Ah, the good life is killing us (as would my junk food diet have done if I'd kept eating that over the last 30 years!).
As we contemplate a post oil-addiction lifestyle what shall we add? Instead of driving, working and shopping as the major time consumer that we call 'life', let's add more exercise, more volunteering, more gardening, more community-building, more time with our children, more reading, more discussion groups, more learning how to play a music instrument (which you'll have time to practice!). more walking, more knowing our neighbors, more cooking at home and eating slowly, more eating locally, more time for daily yoga practice, more healthy bodies, more meditation, more singing, more.....life.
This won't happen cold turkey (hopefully it won't come to that!), but little by little, as you spend time adding those behaviors noted above, you'll discover that the old monied/consumption lifestyle has transformed into something else that you like even more. Yes, when I started the transition from junk food--I thought brown rice was yuck! I couldn't imagine how I was going to get over that--but I found if I did a 50/50 split between the old white rice and the new brown rice, it helped me adjust. And sure enough, now I love brown rice as I've adjusted to the firmer chewing and deeper taste that white rice didn't provide.
As you start adding these new behaviors, you will find some things you don't enjoy initially--just stick with it. Give it the time to learn, try new activities and do them consistently over the next six months and I will bet you'll discover a new joy and love in how you live your life that you can't yet imagine. Life without massive consumption is not a boring life--in fact, many people decide it is much more exciting and joyful.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)